


Nothing to Lose but You

by Denrinko



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Apologies, Bittersweet, Confessions, Crying, Difficult Decisions, Emotional, Established Relationship, Feels, Goodbyes, Graduation, Happy Ending, Hiding One's True Self, Injury Recovery, Letters, Love, M/M, Post-Ketsu, Post-Series, Realization, Reunions, Sadness, past emotional/psychological abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-21
Updated: 2018-08-23
Packaged: 2019-05-26 10:37:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14999093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Denrinko/pseuds/Denrinko
Summary: Eight months after everything ended and Izaya disappeared, Mikado receives a letter in the mail that doesn't have his name on it and more importantly, has no return address.





	1. The Letter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mikado receives a letter that changes everything

Opening his postal box with a dull expression, Ryugamine Mikado pulled took out the mail inside before making his way up the stairs to his apartment. He filed through the stark envelopes – a letter from his mother, some bills and something slightly unusual, he tilted his head when he got to the last the letter.

Mikado didn’t recognise the handwriting that wrote his address but what stood out to him the most was it was not addressed to him, it wasn’t addressed to anyone at all and nor was there a return address.

Mikado unlocked his apartment and stepped inside, deserting his school bag and the other letters as he stared at the envelope curiously, adjusting his glasses at his heart sped up in his chest. He didn’t know who the letter was but something about it was screaming at him to open him.

Mikado huffed and tore the letter open but as his blue eyes landed on the first sentence, it felt like his heart had stopped and his lungs had seized.

 { _My beloved_ _Tanaka Tarou,_

_It’s been a while, hasn’t it? I’m afraid I haven’t been in any state to contact you. But I hope you’ve been thinking about me and I hope you’re glad to hear I am alive. I will admit I am still in hospital and have been for the last eight months. In my defense, I only woke up a six months ago._

_Now, don’t stress my dear, I’m doing just fine. The doctors say my condition is completely stable._

_I’m more concerned about you, I heard about what happened that night and I hope you are fully recovered, that you’re alright and safe._

_God, I miss you so much._

_I didn’t want to leave, I told them to get you but they didn’t listen. I hope you believe me when I tell you I didn’t want to leave, no, I really didn’t want to leave at all but please understand that I can never come back._

_It’s not like I don’t want to, but it’s that I can’t. I’m not the same as I used to be, coming to Ikebukuro would certainly mean death._

_I know you’re probably wondering where I am, well, my love, forgive me, I won’t tell you. I want to be with you, don’t get me wrong - I always want to be with you but I don’t want you to see me like this._

_I’m a mess, I don’t think I could handle seeing you or your reaction to me right now. But one day, hopefully soon, when I leave this hospital, I will send for you._

_I just hope you come._

_I won’t blame you if you don’t. I don’t want to become a part of your past but after everything I’ve done, I have no right to expect you to do anything for me._

_But I can’t help but be hopeful that you don’t want to leave us in the past._

_Maybe my words are falling on deaf ears but I want you to know you mean everything to me. I can’t sleep, all these regrets are eating me alive. I just keep thinking about you, I know I’m nothing without you. I’m fine with losing everything if it means I can have you beside me again._

_I don’t know what I’m going to do when I leave the hospital, but I know I want it to be with you._

_But I’m a fugitive, love. My enemies think I’m dead and I want it to stay that way because the way I am now, killing me would be as easy as pie. Everyone in Ikebukuro, my family – I’m leaving them all behind once and for all._

_All but you, I’m giving you a choice because, at this point, I’ve got nothing to lose but you._

_I love you so much it breaks my heart._

_I will write to you again soon but seeing it took me three months to type this I can’t promise it will be right away._

_You’re all the hope I hold inside of me._

_I know that I can't undo the destruction, the damage I've done._

_But trust me when I say, I’ve got nothing else to lose but you._

_No matter what happens, even if we never meet again know I am watching over you, hoping you find the ultimate happiness._

_I won’t blame you if you don’t want to meet but nonetheless, I’ll love you until the day I die._

_Even if you become my past, you’ll always be my god._

_With everything that I am, love always -_

_Kanra xxx }_

With a strangled sob, Mikado fell to his knees, tears had dripped onto the letter soaking through the paper, his blurry eyes barely able to read the last part. The teen hugged the letter to his chest desperately, He’d been waiting. All this time, he knew, he knew Izaya wasn’t dead.

Mikado sobbed, holding the letter like it was his last lifeline. He’d been struggling, even though he’d pulled his life back together, he’d recovered from being stabbed, he’d started school again – he was struggling because it felt so meaningless, so empty without Izaya.

“I love you too.” He hiccupped, though he knew Izaya couldn’t hear him. “I knew you weren’t dead.” He whispered with a tearful smile.

“I miss you so much…”

* * *

 

Over the next few weeks, Mikado read the letter every day. He kept it hidden in a shoe-box in his closet so no one would find it, so he could protect Izaya’s wishes but every night he would take it out and read it, relish it because he could all but feel Izaya in every word.

Mikado had written a reply. A letter that sat in the same box as Izaya’s, in fact, he'd started writing letters to Izaya whenever he wanted to talk to the older man. When he was sad, lonely, happy and excited.

He tried to mention everyone as little as possible, he didn’t mention anyone and if he did, he never said their names. He told him about school, about being the leader of the library committee, books he’d read but mostly, about how much he missed Izaya.

It felt like something was missing in his life, like there was a huge hole in his chest at ached and longed for Izaya. He wanted to be with him so badly, he wanted to look into his beautiful red eyes, hear his laughter, touch him, and tell Izaya how much he loved him.

And that he’d love him forever.

He knew he’d get the letters to Izaya one way or another.

Mikado wanted to be with Izaya but he didn’t want to leave Ikebukuro. He didn’t want to leave the life he’d made here no matter how fucked up it had turned out. He didn’t want to leave his friends and never speak to them again.

But to be with Izaya, that would be what he had to do and Mikado didn’t know if he could.

Mikado had to choose between Ikebukuro, all his friends, everyone he knew, the mark he’d left on this city and Izaya, the man he loved so much it felt like he was breaking apart.

Mikado knew whichever one he chose, there would always be an emptiness in his heart. It was just a matter of figuring out which one was the biggest and most painful.

Nonetheless, Mikado waited for another letter to come.

He’d wait forever if he had too.


	2. Second Letter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mikado’s heart stopped when his daily look in his postage box was actually fruitful. There it was, another letter just like the last.

Mikado’s heart stopped when his daily look in his postage box was actually fruitful. There it was, another letter just like the last, his name wasn’t on it only his address.

But this time his address wasn’t written in someone’s nice handwriting, it was messy and childlike but for some reason, the teen knew Izaya had written it. He rushed into his apartment holding the letter tightly in his hand as he locked the door behind him.

His heart was hammering in his chest, he’d been waiting for his letter for almost two months. He took a deep breath, shrugged off his jacket and sat down at his table trying to steady his hands as he opened the envelope carefully and read the content, hanging on every word-

 

_{ My dearest,_

_I miss you._

_I’ve been thinking about you a lot, about us. I think the only reason I haven’t gone mad is because I can close my eyes and think about all the times you were by my side. Do you remember the first time we kissed? I think about it a lot, you were so beautiful…hell, you still are._

_I hope you don’t mind but I paid someone to take photos of you. I know, creepy right? But I just wanted to see you so badly. You’ve gotten even more beautiful, those glasses are utterly adorable and you look so mature. I look at those photos a lot, I keep them under my pillow or in my robe._

_The doctors say I’m making excellent progress, I can move my arms quite well now but I’m having trouble with my hands, who knew moving your fingers was so hard? They’re encouraging me to write so I wrote the address on this letter, god, I hope they can read it. The doctors say that if I keep recovering at this rate, I’ll be able to leave in a few months._

_I can’t wait, I hate this place. Honestly, it’s the worst. I’m surrounded by people who are sick and dying. I can’t even go anywhere on my own…I feel like I’m losing my mind. All these people looking at me with pity it just reminds me how weak I’ve become._

_I keep working so hard, I keep thinking of you and getting out of this damn place._

_I wonder if you can love me like this…I’m not strong anymore, I’m not all powerful, untouchable – I’m human, so very human._

_My dear, I’m scared._

_All the people I’ve done wrong over all these years, why does it feel like they’re coming after me? Sometimes I can’t even eat because I’m scared it will be poisoned, I can only eat food that been fully sealed because I’m so scared._

_I came so close to death, I see it all in my nightmares again and again. I can see everything that happened so clearly, feel the pain, hear the sounds of my body breaking – all night until I wake up screaming, covered in my own sweat. And when I can’t sleep I’m acting like a child scared of the dark, every noise, every person who walks past my room makes me terrified._

_I’m so weak, I can’t walk let alone run anymore._

_I can’t live like this, my dear._

_But when I look at these photos of you, I am reminded why I continue living._

* * *

_Say, would you be disappointed if I told you I wanted to continue being an informant when I leave this horrid place? I know it seems stupid considering the state I’m in but I really loved being an informant._

_I’m giving up everything - my home, my family, my belongings, my friends, even my legs so surely I can keep my job? I won’t be in the field, of course, there’s only so much I can do from a wheelchair. But, I think being an online informant would suit me just fine, I’ll hire a really powerful bodyguard and continue doing what I love._

_Why do I get the feeling you’re going to be frowning when you read this?_

_I’m sorry, but without being an informant, what am I?_

_I can’t do anything, what is there that I can do like this? Without being an informant, what is left of me?_

_I’m weak, I’m scared. Honestly, I’m pathetic. I need something, something so I can stay **me**._

_I hope you understand._

* * *

_The doctors told me today that if I keep doing physical therapy for my legs for the next few years, I could walk again. Luckily, I wouldn’t have to stay in this horrible hospital anymore but I’d have to come back every two weeks._

_I don’t want that._

_I want this all to be over, if it cost me my legs then so be it._

_I’ll take it as karma for everything I’ve done- my punishment._

_I won’t be able to use these legs to fly ever again even with therapy. I just don’t think it’s worth the pain._

_I think I should carry these legs for the rest of life as a reminder that I’d only human._

_I think for sure, they’ll keep me grounded._

* * *

_I hate this place._

_I miss you so much it’s like I have this huge hole where my heart is meant to go. I would give anything in the world just to hug you right now. To pull you close and inhale the scent of your hair._

_God, I miss you. Do you miss me too?_

_I hope you do. I hope you’ve been thinking about what I asked in my last letter, if you’ll come to my side. I know I’m asking way more than I deserve. I should be ashamed for asking you to do such a thing, to give up your life for me but if I don’t ask then I’ll only have more regrets than I do now._

_I said it before but I’ve got nothing to lose but you so how can I feel ashamed when you mean literally the world to me?_

_I love you so much, I don’t have the words to explain it- how much I utterly adore everything that you are._

_God, I’ve typed out your name so many times and had to delete it._

_I love your name, I whisper it to myself sometimes. I wonder if that’s a bit crazy. Well, I wouldn’t be surprised if it is. If I wasn’t crazy before then I will be when I get out of here._

_All these white walls, fake lights, fake air laced with death and despair, I feel like I’m losing it._

* * *

_The doctor says I’ll be ready for release soon! I’m so excited!_

_I can’t wait to be out of this hell hole, outside where the air is real, where people are, where you are…_

_You’ll be graduating high school soon, won’t you?_

_My dear, I’m going to send for you. I hope you come but as I said before, I won’t blame you if you don’t._

_I’ll always love you no matter what happens._

_You are my everything, so even if you have moved on or chose to move on, I will respect your choice and stay out of your life but I won’t be able to resist watching over you. I hope you understand that you are my god so I will always come back to you even if you don’t realise it._

_I’m sure you’d have a lovely life without me. Go to university, get a good job. Meet someone, fall in love, get married, have kids and settle down- all those nice things. I will admit it breaks my heart to picture you with someone else but it’s nothing more than what I deserve._

_I’ve done a lot of bad things that I can’t undo, hurt so many people, caused so much chaos…I don’t deserve happiness but I want it, I want you._

_I love you so much, I really, really do._

_So please, think about it and when you finish high school, my dear, I’ll send for you._

_I will write before then, typing is getting much easier._

_I love you._

_God, I miss you so much._

_Forever yours,_

_Kanra xxx }_

 

Mikado sniffed, tears trailing down his face as he read the letters over multiple times. It seemed like a collection of letters more than one singular one.

“Izaya…” he whispered holding the papers to his lips. His beloved…was in a wheelchair, he struggled to use his hands. Mikado could feel the anguish in every typed word and letter on the pages.

He understood that the older man wanted to cling to something even if that was his job. He didn’t really find it all that crazy, he was concerned though.

Mikado rested his head on the desk. He only had two months until he graduated high school, two months and he would have to choose what to do – stay in Ikebukuro with everyone or leave for good with Izaya.

The concept of being with anyone but Izaya made Mikado feel sick to the stomach, even after Anri had admitted to having feelings for him, he politely rejected her. He didn’t think he’d be able to love anyone else but Izaya.

“I miss him so much…” Mikado murmured feeling a fresh batch of tears burn his eyes. “I love you so much…what am I meant to do?”

Deep inside his heart, Mikado already knew the answer.


	3. The Decision

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What if he left everything behind just to suffer for the rest of his life? Mikado didn’t know what to do.

Mikado’s mind was a mess as he went through his final exams, his mind kept wandering to Izaya and he’d find himself zoning out at vital times.

Did he really want to go to Izaya? The man claimed to love him but he caused the teen immense pain. Mikado had almost lost his life thanks to Izaya’s intervention and though he knew everything that happened wasn’t only the informant's fault – Izaya had played a huge part.

The teen could remember the emotional torment he endured at the hand of the person he loved. He had seriously considered killing Izaya near the end because he couldn’t handle the amount of love and hate he had for a man at the same time.

What if he left everything behind just to suffer for the rest of his life? Mikado didn’t know what to do. Could he believe that the man had changed enough to truly value him or would he just destroy him again? Mikado knew that Izaya truly loved him, it was obvious but the man’s view of love was so flawed that it seemed more like hate at times.

Mikado tried not to think about it, throwing his entire body and mind into his exams, barely stopping to eat or sleep. His under eyes were basically bruised purple as he started his last week of exams but his anxiety levels didn’t go down at all.

Especially when the next letter showed up. He opened it up wearily and read it over -

{ _My dearest Tarou,_

_I’ve been released from the hospital! I have never been so happy in my life to be free. I’d almost forgotten how amazing the outside world is this last year. The simple things I never took any notice of, the breeze, the birds – all the things I took for granted are like a blessing to me now._

_I hope your exams have been going good, I’m sure you’ve been doing great with how smart you are. I’ve been wishing you luck every day from my hotel room._

_I’ve been setting up my new business online and have a few simple jobs like finding cheating husbands or missing teenagers that have run away from home. It’s nice, something to keep me busy. I’ve organised all my belongings from my apartments to be moved to shipping containers or be destroyed. From the information I have, you are no longer living in the apartment we shared which is understandable but I’m sure you still have the key._

_So, if you have things you want from there, like photos, clothes or such, I suggest you go and get them by the thirteenth of March. I plan to buy new things to help me with my new life. Though I’m unsure if I want to buy an apartment or condo right now. I kind of want to explore and travel around, I’ve spent all my life in the city so maybe a smaller town would be nice or maybe even somewhere near the beach._

_I custom ordered a nice wheelchair from overseas, it's actually kind of cool looking, like something from the future. I also ordered a new version of my parka, I decide to make it a cloak. Sounds ridiculous, I know but seeing I am in a wheelchair and my arms a weak, it is the best option. I don’t really have to worry about getting cold that much anymore because I have a blanket over my legs._

_I guess I should get to the point of this letter shouldn’t I? Have you decided Tarou, what it is you are doing to do? Your exams finish on the tenth of March and your graduation is on the eighteenth. I want to give you some time to see everyone one final time if you are coming to join me here so I think the twenty-first is a good day to buy your train ticket._

_I will send you a package a few days before that will the ticket and all the instructions to get to me and disappear like I said. I know this must be stressful for you and I’m truly sorry. I wish I could be by your side normally but it’s just not possible._

_If I were to roll into Ikebukuro the way I am now, I would surely be killed. I know it’s incredibly hard to ask you to abandon your friends and family but it’s the only way because half your friends want me dead and wouldn’t hesitate to reveal my location to my enemies._

_I know I’ve caused you so much trouble over the years, I’ve made you cry and made you suffer but I do love you. I’ve never loved anyone the way I love you. I promise that if you come and join me then I will never hurt you again. I can’t promise that nothing will ever hurt you but I will always protect you._

_I love you. I know I’ll never meet anyone else like you or love anyone as much as I love you – I realise that clearly now._

_Please, I need you. I know I don’t deserve you at all but I can’t live without you. I’m a terrible human being, asking you to run away from your friends and family forever, never contact them again just to be with me but I don’t want to lose you too._

_I’m sorry, I’m not trying to guilt you into coming and make you feel as if you don’t have a choice, I’m just trying to portray my feelings. I’m being completely honest, I swear on everything I am and everything I ever will be._

_If you don’t want to come, if you don’t want to leave Ikebukuro, then don’t. I’ll be okay, Tarou. I only want you to come if it’s what **you** want to do. Don’t think about me or anyone else, just think about you. Please, my love, be selfish for once in your life._

_Think about it and when that package arrives at the door, it’s completely up to if you want to open it or throw it out._

_I love you and I miss you,_

_Kanra xxx }_

Mikado felt conflicted as he finished reading the letter, he hung his head and buried his face in his hands. “What am I going to do?” he sighed deeply.

Did he want to leave everything behind to be with Izaya? Leave behind all the people that hadn’t held grudges, people that helped and supported him through his recovery? Mikado was thankful for everyone’s help but there was one thing that got to him when it came to them.

The fact that no one blamed him for his actions.

Some people were convinced he had just been manipulated into doing these terrible things but the truth was he hadn’t, he knew exactly what he was doing. He could see through every plot and trick both Aoba and Izaya had involved him in.

He had been the one to order the Blue Squares to hunt down and attack people, he was the one who stabbed Aoba, he was the one who had set that stalker on fire, shot up those places and tried to kill Masaomi.

But everyone acted like he was innocent. Even with the stab wounds on his body that served justice for his crimes, everyone just smiled and told him not to think about it, to forget about those two years and go back to the way he was when he first came to Ikebukuro but he couldn’t because that Mikado no longer existed.

He could act that way to make people believe he was fine, that things had gone back to normal but deep inside he was just hiding. The two people that had accepted his true self were Aoba and Izaya.

Aoba, whilst now in his year level barely spoke to him, choosing to avoid him to which he later explained - when Mikado cornered him alone - was because Masaomi and Anri threatened to kill him if he didn’t comply and he’d rather not take a chance.

If he left he’d be leaving the world of lies he was currently living, he could be himself and actually sort things out within himself instead of having to bottle them up. He felt guilty, he really did, thinking about running away from those who obviously cared about him so much.

If he joined Izaya…he wanted to be with Izaya sure but the man hadn’t always treated him well. There was a high chance Izaya would find trouble once again and Mikado would live his life in a consist state of danger.

He hoped Izaya wouldn’t do that but he had a feeling he would.

“If he does…I can just leave him.” The teen murmured to himself. He could always come back to Ikebukuro, knowing everyone, they would probably accept him back with those nauseating smiles and act like he didn’t abandon them at all.

He didn’t want that. 

* * *

 

As he finished his exams, trying to focus on them more than what he would be doing afterward he had to smile at his teachers who kept urging him to apply for various universities to which he claimed he wanted to take a gap year and do some traveling every time they brought it up.

He finished his exams and asked his friends if they could hold off on the celebrations until after his graduation because he was dead on his feet and just wanted to rest. They all were happy to comply seeing Mikado had looked exhausted for the last few weeks and with his body being so weak, had basically used up all his energy.

So Mikado rested but when the twelfth came, Mikado left his apartment and boarded the train to Shinjuku. He planned to grab the things he wanted from Izaya’s apartment before it was cleaned out.

The apartment was covered in a layer of dust when he entered the room. It was a complete mess obviously having been ransacked by whoever was looking for the informant. Witnessing the carnage of what had once been a space Mikado shared with Izaya made his heart clench and his eyes burn with tears.

He had to be quick though, there was a doubt in his mind that the building was under surveillance by Izaya’s enemies. The teen worked quickly, grabbing the photos and belongings he wanted to take with him. The photos of their early relationship always made the teen upset because it had been their highest point, near the end it was just a mess of confusion, hate, anger, hurt. A love the two of them refused to let go of even though it was basically toxic.

Mikado hoped that they could start again and have the love they used to before everything went to shit. He knew they had both changed but Mikado hoped that their love was strong enough to survive everything that had happened.

As the day of his graduation and the supposed package delivery drew closer, Mikado had decided that he was leaving Ikebukuro with unwavering determination.


	4. Soon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mikado took a shaky deep breath and nodded. He knew exactly what he had to do now.

Mikado felt very bittersweet when the day of his graduation ceremony came. He had to give a speech as the valedictorian and as he looked over the sea of faces he’d come to recognize over the last four years, he couldn’t help but feel a little regretful.

He could see his parents and friends that had come to the ceremony to congratulate him - smiling, looking happy and proud despite everything. He delivered his speech, looking every bit the perfect student in his suit and glasses.

Mikado received his certificate with a heavy heart because he knew that while graduation signaled the end of school life and the start of adulthood, for him, it was also the end of his life in Ikebukuro. As he left the building and found his parents.

“You’re all grown up now, son.” His father smiled patting him on the shoulder as his mother cried and hugged him claiming that he was still her baby boy. With the way they were acting, it was like they knew what Mikado was about to do.

“You did it man!” Masaomi grinned while patting him on the back.

“Congratulations.” Anri bowed handing him a bouquet of flowers with a small smile and a slight blush on her cheeks. Mikado thanked them all with a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes but no one noticed.

“What do you say we all go out to celebrate?” Mikado’s dad suggested enthusiastically making Masaomi cheer. “What do you want, Mikado?”

“Oh…um, what about barbeque?” the teen replied, trying to think of a place that wouldn’t cost his father an arm and a leg. “I mean, my friends and I are all going out for sushi tomorrow, so I don’t need anything grand.” He told them as they started walking towards the main part of the city.

“It’s gonna be so good! Everyone’s going to be there!” Masaomi excitedly grinned and Mikado smiled.

“Yeah.” Mikado agreed with a forced smile. 

* * *

 

Dinner had been fun, Mikado tried to enjoy it as much as possible. He even let his overbearing mother take as many photos as she wanted. This, after all, would be the last time Mikado would ever see them.

When it was over, Mikado walked his parents back to the train station listening to his dad talk about work and their hometown. As they reached their platform, Mikado turned to his parents with a completely honest expression, he had so much to say but couldn’t find the words to express how much his parents meant to him but Mikado knew it was his last chance so he tried his hardest.

“I want…I want to thank you for everything you’ve done for me. You raised me, you always made sure I was well fed and clothed. You put me through school and let me move to Ikebukuro. I’m sorry about everything that happened last year, I know it was hard on you. You even let me stay here and finish school despite it all. I really love you guys, you honestly mean the world to me.” Mikado could feel tears starting to burn his eyes as he spoke.

“I know I couldn’t have asked for better parents, you guys have done so much for me and I’m really grateful.” The teen bowed deeply.

“Oh, Mi-chan!” His mother exclaimed in tears, she rushed forward to hug him and he hugged her back tightly.  “Of course! We wouldn’t do anything less for you! We love you!” she exclaimed tears pouring down her face.

His father smiled and hugged them both. “That’s right, we love you, Mikado.”

“I love you too.” Mikado sniffed as he pulled back to wipe away his tears and his mother did the same.

“You two are so alike.” His father laughed good-naturedly, ruffling Mikado’s and his mother’s inky locks affectionately as the train pulled up on the platform. “I’m sure you’ll make us proud Mikado.” His father smiled before leading his still crying mother onto the train.

“We miss you already Mi-chan!” she called out as she boarded the train, they stood by the doors and as they started to close Mikado smiled, tears streaming down his face.

“I’ll miss you too and I’m sorry…”

The doors closed and the train sped off, his parents waved. Mikado watched it go until it was out of sight, unable to stop his tears from running down his face.

“Goodbye...Mum…Dad…please, forgive me.”

 

* * *

 

The next day Mikado woke up to a rather large package on his doorstep. He took a sharp breath and stared at it for a moment. He knew it was _that_ package. He picked it up surprised that it was actually kind of heavy.

He set it down in the middle of his room and found a kitchen knife to open it with. Taking a deep breath, Mikado opened the box revealing a small navy blue travel suitcase, he pulled it out with a curious expression. There was a handwritten note on the front, that messy, wobbly scroll that he knew now belonged to Izaya. 

[ _OpEN mE]_

Mikado took another deep breath to calm himself before opening the suitcase, of course, there was a letter on the top of everything.

He opened the thick envelope, and started reading the first of many pages -

 

_{My dearest Mikado,_

_Congratulations on graduating high school! I wish I could have been there. I’m sure you looked utterly gorgeous delivering your speech to everyone. I wonder if you wore a suit or a kimono? I know you would look good in both, well actually, I’ve seen you wear both so I know you look good._

_That aside, I hope you’ve reached a decision. As I’ve said before this is entirely your decision, I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to do. You, in no way, have to force yourself to come here or stay in Ikebukuro. Please forget everyone and think about what you want._

_If you plan on not leaving Ikebukuro, my goodbye for you is on the next page to save you from reading through this entire letter. If you are joining me, this letter continues after that._

 

_[Ryugamine Mikado –_

_I want to apologise for everything I’ve done. I don’t deserve forgiveness so I won’t ask for it but I want to say how truly sorry I am for everything I did to you and your friends. It made sense to me then, I honestly thought I was invincible and things would always go my way without fail and my actions had no consequences but I know now, that karma is real and I shall pay for my crimes every day for the rest of my life._

_I love you and if another one of my punishments is to lose you then I will gladly accept that along with the rest of this pain. From the first time I laid eyes on you, I knew you were special. You were so bright and full of life, so utterly beautiful. I felt so blessed the first time I held you in my arms, those memories I’ll hold dear in my heart until the day I die._

_I’ll always love you no matter what. I pray for your happiness and will hope that you find someone better than me. Someone who treats you like I should have because you are so utterly precious and I cannot express how much you mean to me._

_Thank you, for the time that you gave me. I’ll never forget it, the time we shared together._

_I love you. I’m sorry,_

_Goodbye Mikado._

_Forever yours,_

_Orihara Izaya.]_

_If you are going to run away with me then I promise I will devote everything I am to you._

_It’s frightening that I can’t express myself properly in these letters. I was hurting so much when I wrote that goodbye, I poured my heart and soul into it but when I read it back…I hope can feel my emotions in these words._

_If you are going to run away with me then I promise I will devote everything I am to you. I cannot promise things will be easy at first, I’m not the same person I used to be. My entire life has completely changed, everything is a struggle even going to the bathroom._

_But I’m sure in time, things will get easier. I have a long way to go before I can learn to get around and do things again with struggling. But once I do that, I’m sure we’ll find somewhere nice to settle down and live happily._

_I can’t wait to start a new life with you but I know what I am asking is terrible. I’m sure it must be painful but once the people give up searching or forget about me, you can contact your friends and family once more. I am sorry that you have to say goodbye to them at all just to be with me. If I hadn’t been such a terrible monster, we could have lived in Ikebukuro together, surrounded by the people we know but I’ve done too much, hurt the city too badly, it will never allow me to return._

_For now, I can instruct you on how to run away perfectly. One the next page is what you should do if you want to come and find me._

_Your train is for 4:15 am on the twenty-first of March from Ikebukuro Station._

_I know, it’s on your 20 th birthday, what a day for new beginnings right?_

_-Please pack all the things you will need into the suitcase I’ve sent you. (Clothes, legal forms, Etc.)_

_-Pack up your apartment and either destroy your computer or hard drive. I will arrange for someone to dispose of your leftover belongings and cancel your lease once you’ve left._

_-Once at the train station, I want you to send a text message to everyone and say that you’re leaving and ask them not to look for you. That way the police can’t file you as a missing person._

_-Once sent, please destroy or throw away your phone, please note that this will the last time you will be able to speak to anyone for some time._

_-Please board the train, there is an envelope with some money in it for you to buy some food or drinks as you will be on the train for quite some time._

_-There is a new phone inside this suitcase for you. I will text you the station where you have to get off the train and my address once you come close to my destination._

_-I have put a GPS on that phone so I know whether you have decided to come or not._

_-You will have to walk from the station to where I am staying, I will also send you a map and my room number._

_I hope these instructions are clear enough for you to understand. I tried to make them as easy to understand as possible because I was scared of you getting confused._

_I hope you follow these instructions and on the early morning of your birthday, we can start our new life together._

_I should stop writing as this as I’m sure this is a lot to take in. Perhaps in a few days, I won’t have to type out any more letters and I can actually talk to you face-to-face._

_I love you, Mikado._

_And I hope to see you soon._

_Love always, Orihara Izaya. }_

Mikado took a shaky deep breath and nodded. He knew exactly what he had to do now. The teen looked over the contents of the suitcase and carefully picked up the train ticket noting it was a bullet train.

“Izaya…” he murmured his eyes starting to burn

 Soon, soon, they would be together again.

Soon, they could start their lives over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you find any mistakes, Please tell me so I can fix them!  
> Thank you!


	5. Bittersweet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His blue eyes traveled over the group who were loud, cheerful and slightly troublesome, it was all very bittersweet. He cared about them, he truly did but he couldn’t stay here.

"Congratulations!" a chorus of cheers went up in the air at Russia Sushi which had been completely closed for the private function of Mikado's graduation/birthday party.

Everyone was there -

On his right sat Masaomi and his girlfriend Saki who was talking to Anri and Celty. Next to the Dullahan and Shinra was Mika Harima and Yagiri Seji. Kyohei, Saburo, Erika, and Walker sat opposite to them and on Mikado's left sat Aoba with Mairu and Kururi by his side.

Mikado had personally invited them in front of Masaomi and Anri telling his two friends that they had no opinion in the matter nor did they have the right to threaten Aoba which made the younger male slightly smug but Mikado ignored it, it didn't matter, unknown to everyone at the table, it was the last time they would see Mikado for a very long time, if not forever.

Mikado had sternly told everyone that Heiwajima Shizuo and anyone associated with him was not invited for obvious reasons. Mikado's relationship with Izaya had been revealed to everyone shortly before the final fight though almost everyone thought Mikado had been tricked and Izaya had just seduced him to use him.

Mikado had never talked about it with anyone, not eager to hear them shit all over the person he loved and their relationship.

"Thank you." Mikado smiled at the group.

"So, do you know what you want to do?" Kyohei asked sipping his beer. Mikado nodded,

"I want to go take a break for a bit and then go to university." The teen replied honestly. He did want to further his education but he didn't know if it was possible. Perhaps he could do a course online?

"That sounds good sempai. What are you going to study?" Aoba asked with big hazel eyes, generally interested. Mikado pushed up his glasses,

"I was thinking of something in literature or computer science."

"That really suits you, man. Being such a nerd and all." Masaomi grinned and roughly patted him on the back. Mikado laughed, wincing slightly at the impact. Everyone looked up when Simon came out with two large platters of sushi.

"Here! Everyone eat Sushi!" he grinned setting the two huge platters at each end of the table so everyone could reach at least one. Everyone started to dig in and Mikado picked up his chopsticks to look over the selection when something caught his eye, right in front of him was a batch of otoro which shocked him because he knew that despite everyone pitching in for the dinner, they couldn't afford this much of the expensive tuna along with everything else.

Mikado looked up at Simon with wide eyes and the large Russian man gave him a sad but knowing smile. Mikado swallowed thickly and blinked rapidly trying to calm the tears he could feel burning his eyes. He knew that Izaya hadn't brought it but rather that Simon had included it in memory of the informant.

Mikado bowed his head at the man, not wanting to draw the attention of the rest of the group. He knew that Simon had been saddened by Izaya's supposed death, he honestly thought Izaya wasn't as bad deep down and believed the informant didn't deserve the cruel, violent death that had supposedly befallen him.

Mikado knew Simon would be happy to know that Izaya was alive and turning over a new leaf but the teen couldn't tell him. He couldn't tell anyone. He picked up a few pieces of Izaya's favourite food and put it on his plate. It was a familiar taste but also one Mikado hadn't since Izaya had left knowing it would only make him think of his missing lover.

But now, now he knew that Izaya was alright and waiting for him, he ate it with a small smile. His blue eyes traveled over the group who were loud, cheerful and slightly troublesome, it was all very bittersweet. He cared about them, he truly did but he couldn't stay here.

At least they would have one another when he was gone, it wouldn't be as bad for them as it would have been for Izaya if he had decided to stay. He chatted with everyone while they enjoyed the food. Masaomi tried to order alcohol which was quickly denied by the owner Dennis because he knew the blond was underage, his friend still pouted however which amused Mikado.

"We should take a group photo!" Erika suggested excitedly and the group agreed. Mikado, though he usually disliked photos, agreed. Everyone squeezed in together including Simon around the table while Dennis took a photo with a wry smile. The photo was quickly shared around from phone to phone before it reached Mikado's.

The teen looked at the photo, it was a good one. Everyone looked happy. Mikado knew that he would have to get the photo printed out so he could take it with him.

[ **You should do a speech Mikado.** ] Celty suggested and Mikado made a face. He opened his mouth to reject the offer but Masaomi saw the message.

"Yes! That's a great idea! Do a speech Mikado!" he exclaimed excitedly which somehow got everyone around the table chanting for the teen to do a speech. Mikado laughed nervously.

"Okay, okay, just stop chanting." He begged. He took a deep breath looking at everyone at the table, they looked at him expectantly with smiles. Mikado felt a pang in his heart and he started to talk only to be ushered up by Masaomi who demanded he had to stand.

"Umm." Mikado felt uncomfortable standing whilst everyone else was sitting. He took another deep breath wondering what to say before it realised that aside from the goodbye message Izaya had instructed him to send, this was the last time he would be able to portray his feelings to the group.

"Well, I want to thank you for all coming out here tonight to celebrate not only my graduation but also my birthday. It's been a pleasure knowing you these last four years despite everything." Mikado looked a bit sheepish. "I'm sorry for causing you all so much trouble. I know I haven't been the easiest person to have to deal with so thank you all for putting up with me and all my nonsense." The teen bowed his head before standing up and continuing.

"You guys really mean a lot to me, you're all great people and I'm glad I was able to be your friend. The headmaster at my school said that while finishing school is the end, it is also the beginning of something new. So I am looking forward to putting all the terrible things I've done in the past and starting anew." Mikado finished with a smile.

"Yeah! Cheers!" the group cheered raising their glasses in a toast. Mikado met eyes with Simon who was looking at him strangely and Mikado wondered if the large man had figured out what he was going to do but somehow he knew, that if Simon had figured it out, he wouldn't try to stop him like everyone else would.

Mikado made sure to go around the table and talk to everyone and thank them personally for coming. A few people had small gifts for him which he was grateful for and thanked them. He relished spending time with everyone, savouring the memories.

Mikado watched the group of all the friends and people he'd come to know since he came to Ikebukuro. So much had happened in just four years, he'd done so many things – good and bad.

He glanced at Aoba's hand were the rather noticeable scar of where Mikado had stabbed him was. Even Masaomi, underneath his jeans, had a gunshot wound in his leg from Mikado.

He didn't know why they were still by his side but he was grateful. He smiled at everyone, looking around the table. Their smiles and laughter echoed in his mind.

He had loved Ikebukuro, he had met so many interesting people, lived an interesting life–

But that chapter of his life was over and while it was sad, Mikado knew that it was also a new beginning. He'd carry the memories of his time in the city with him forever, grateful for all the city had taught and showed him.

It was time to leave and start anew elsewhere.

Mikado smiled, tears burning his eyes as he looked at the people surrounding him.

_Thank you…everyone…_


	6. Goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Ikebukuro is my past and I'm going towards my future so, by the time you read this, I will already be long gone._

Mikado woke up the next with a set plan of things he had to do. It was his last day in Ikebukuro so he had to get everything ready. His heart felt heavy in his chest but at the same time, he was excited because he knew it just twenty-four hours he would with Izaya once again.

He got dressed and headed out to the department store. He relished in the city around him, taking special notice of the things that had become so familiar to him over the last four years. The crowded streets, the energy, the tall buildings reaching for the sky, the different types of people – all the things that had taken his breath away when he'd first moved here.

He walked towards Tokyo Hands passing by Simon who stopped his usual terrible ushering to great him.

"Mika-do!" the large man grinned. "How you after party? Sushi good, sushi make everything better! Sushi best to celebrate!"

"It was wonderful Simon-san, thank you." The teen smiled and bowed. When he rose up, he met eyes with the large Russian man who almost looked sad. They looked at each other for a while and Mikado knew, he knew Simon had figured him out.

Mikado averted his eyes not knowing what to say, the two of them stood in silence for a while, a sort of bubble of understanding between them. After a few minutes, Mikado looked up at the blue sky, his chest aching.

"I have to go Simon-san." The words were double sided as Mikado glanced at the man with a sad smile.

"I understand…" Simon said in his broken Japanese. "You have safe travels and come back for sushi soon!" the large man forced a big smile on his way and Mikado gave a sad chuckle, his heart clenching in his chest.

"Maybe one day Simon-san, thank you for everything." He said smiling at the man. "Goodbye." The teen bowed to the man before he started walking once more, he didn't look back.

He reached the department store rather easily but he felt rather heavy as he walked through the sliding doors into the brightly lit store. He had a rather straightforward list of things he needed in his mind.

He walked through the busy shop going to the photo center first. He got out his phone as he approached one of the self-serve machines, he sent the photos of his dinner with his parents and his party to the machine, pausing when he saw them blown up before him.

Everyone looked so happy. Everyone was smiling brightly obviously having a great time but him. His smiles in each photo looked rather forced and his eyes looked rather sad. His heart clenched and the teen felt a cold sadness in the pit of his stomach.

He shook his head and reminded himself that he'd made the right decision. This chapter of his life was over, he wanted to start a new chapter with Izaya. He got the photos printed and went throughout the store to collect the things he needed to buy.

Garbage bags, cardboard boxes, and packing tape. All the thing he needed to pack up his apartment before he left. He decided to have all of the stuff delivered directly to his house so he could go for a bit of a walk.

Mikado walked through West Gate Park with a mixture of nostalgia and sadness. He could remember when he'd first came to the city, eating ice cream with Masaomi and Anri, watching the blond trying to pick up woman with awful pickup lines. It felt like a million years ago, it was saddening to know that that was all an act on Masaomi's part, he was just covering up his pain.

Mikado had also hung out with Izaya at the park, they'd sit under the shady streets and talk for as long as they could before Shizuo found them- sometimes it was hours, they never got tired of talking to each other.

There were so many nice and peaceful memories if he sorted through all the terrible and violent ones. He looked up at the sky once more and closed his eyes, enjoying the feel of the light breeze rustling through his hair. He took a deep breath and turned around to go home.

But as he turned around he saw someone he didn't want to see. Heiwajima Shizuo stood a few meters away from him talking to Celty, they had their backs to him. Seeing the man filled him with such violent hatred and despair. It didn't matter that he knew Izaya was alive, the man he loved had still been crippled by the monster.

Mikado felt his stomach churning as he turned his back on the man and started walking in the opposite direction, deciding to circle back around the long way to avoid the blond. The teen decided it would nice to go to a place where he wasn't, every time he saw his face all he could think of was the state Izaya had been the last time Mikado saw him.

He'd been so scared that night, seeing Izaya all broken and bloody like that was so terrifying. He'd been almost certain his lover was going to die, that monster was going to kill him right in front of his eyes. Mikado shook his head, trying to force those memories back.

Izaya was alive. He was alive and Mikado was going to see him again. 

* * *

 

Mikado's shopping arrived late in the afternoon while the teen was cleaning. He thanked the delivery man and took the items inside.

"I guess I should get started." He sighed looking over his small apartment. It was amazing how much stuff he'd managed to compile in the small room. He walked over to the closet and opened it, revealing a small bookshelf where all of his books were, he had a lot of them.

Mikado made up one of the boxes and got to work. It took a lot longer than he expected too but only because he kept finding things that would make him nostalgic and resurface memories. Before long he had all the things were was going to put in storage including his books and mementos. He decided that he would take all his photo albums with him including the one he'd gotten from Izaya's apartment.

He then packed his suitcase with mostly clothes, toiletries, few of his favourite books and the photo albums. It was completely full by the time he had finished packing. The teen then gathered everything else and packed them up too, his kitchenware, leftover clothes and random bits and pieces.

It took a few hours for Mikado to pack everything he no longer needed up and clean his apartment which was surprisingly dirty for how much cleaning he did on a regular basis. He sorted his things into two piles – things he wanted to keep and stuff that he no longer wanted or needed.

He clearly labeled the different boxes so the people Izaya was paying to take them didn't become confused and throw away something he wanted to keep.

He stood in the middle of his apartment and looked around, his computer, which he had pulled apart earlier was in pieces after he'd wiped the memory – the hard drive was currently placed in the sink in his bathroom where it had been submerged in water for the last few hours.

Everything was done, now all he had to do was wait until it was time to leave. 

* * *

 

Mikado rolled over and turned off his alarm, he had crawled into his futon to try and sleep until it was time to get ready but sleep had never come. He got up and rolled up his futon, taping it shut before placing it in the waiting box.

Once he had down that he went to have a shower and get ready. He was strangely calm as he took his hard drive which had been in the sink since the night before and put it in a plastic bag. Mikado stood there for a moment - he was really going to do it, he was leaving Ikebukuro for good. He wasn't going to come back, he was really going to disappear from the city just as Izaya had done.

Mikado took a deep breath and looked at his phone as emotions swirled inside him. He'd met a lot of people in Ikebukuro- the good, the bad. He'd done so many things, become a different person over the last four years.

He grabbed his suitcase and the plastic bag with his hard drive inside and looked over his apartment once more before leaving, closing the door quietly behind him. it was still unlocked and his key was left inside near the boxes. He walked down the stairs and with his suitcase rolling behind him, he threw his hard drive in his neighbour's trashcan and started walking to the train station pulling his jacket up to his chin to try and shield himself against the cold air, he couldn't remember if he'd ever been outside at three in the morning but if he had, it hadn't been this quiet.

The streets were surprisingly dead, it was like a ghost town. He saw a few people from a distance but not once did he pass by someone. His emotional state was a weird one, he was excited to meet Izaya but also sad to leave.

"I guess I should start writing that message." He murmured to himself as he descended the stairs into the station. Mikado took out his phone and opened his messages. He took a deep breath as he added his entire contact list as the recipient, he once more took a deep breath and stared at the screen.

What was he meant to write? There was so much he wanted to say to everyone but he was limited on time.

[ _Dear everyone,_

_I'm sure this message must come as a shock to you all but I wanted to let you all that I am leaving Ikebukuro._

_I believe this chapter of my life has come to an end and I want to move on. I've done a lot of things during my time here, a lot of which I am not proud of but I am glad I met everyone._

_I'm sorry if you think this decision is selfish but I can't bear to stay here any longer, I hope you'll understand. I want to move on and I can't do that in this city nor surrounded by people that remind me of my bad decisions._

_You all do mean a lot to me and maybe one day I will return and contact you once more but now, is not that time. I'm leaving and I ask that you do not look for me nor try to contact me._

_Thank you all, I love you and I'm sorry but I am needed elsewhere. I want to be elsewhere, Ikebukuro is my past and I'm going towards my future so, by the time you read this, I will already be long gone._

_I'm sorry and goodbye, Ryugamine Mikado. ]_

**{Send.}**

As the train approached the platform, Mikado turned off his phone and pulled the back off, separating the battery from the phone and taking out the SD and SIM cards. He slipped his SD card into his wallet and threw the battery and now broken SIM card into the trash can.

He'd throw the actual phone away at a later time. He slipped the disassembled phone into his pocket as the train pulled up to the platform with a loud screech of the brakes. The platform was almost empty as Mikado boarded the train, glancing back one more time before shaking his head and finding himself a seat.

He watched Ikebukuro disappear through the window of the train and smiled, tears burning his eyes.

"Goodbye, and thank you."

_The City of Ikebukuro…_

_Everyone…_

_This is the end._


	7. A New Beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally, they meet again.

Mikado’s heart hammered uncontrollably in his chest as the train traveled through different parts of Japan. The teen gripped the phone Izaya had given him, he checked it once again despite the fact he’d only checked it moments before.

He took a deep breath and tried to distract himself by looking out of the window but he couldn’t and his focus soon returned to his new phone once again. He knew he had to stop looking at it, he was chewing through the battery too quickly and if it ran out before he reached Izaya – he’d be completely in the middle of nowhere with no way of contacting the older male.

Mikado slumped back in the chair, he’d been on the train for almost two hours but he felt like he’d been on there for years. He sighed wishing he could get a book out of his suitcase but he didn’t want to open it and have to repack it for a simple book.

The sound and feeling of his phone vibrating scared the teen, he flinched slightly staring at the phone with wide blue eyes before quickly reading the message written by none other than the man he was so anxious to see.

_[I can’t express how happy I am right now, you actually chose to be with me. I can’t wait to see you. Get off the train at Sendai, my love.]_

Mikado held the phone close to his heart and squeezed his eyes shut. Soon, soon he’d see Izaya again. He could touch him, talk to him, be with him for the first time since the incident. Mikado’s heart hammered in his chest and his eyes burned with tears but none fell.

Sendai was only thirty minutes away.

Izaya was only thirty minutes away.

Mikado felt like his heart was going to burst with happiness.

He was nervous and jittery with excitement and anticipation for the rest of the train ride, he fidgeted and squirmed in his seat like a small child unable to calm down, to care about the fact he looked like he needed to use the bathroom.

The last thirty minutes seemed to take three times as long as the first two hours combined but when the train finally came to a stop and the announcement for Sendai station echoed throughout the cabins, Mikado bolted up from his seat before anyone else and grabbed his suitcase, hurriedly exiting the train into the frigid morning air. It was just after seven so the sun was beginning to light up the sky but the air was cold, so cold that Mikado could see his breath come out as white clouds.

His phone vibrated once again and all the air in his lungs seemed to leave at once as he stared at the GPS map that Izaya had sent to him. It was directed to the Mitsui Garden Hotel which a mere fifteen minute walk from the train station.

The teen started walking, he tried his best not to run not wanting to reunite with Izaya all sweaty and out of breath. He walked as normally as he could but he was still power walking towards the hotel unable to completely hide his excitement.

He looked up at the skyscraper with wide eyes. Izaya was in there, Izaya was in there waiting for him. The teen checked the message once more confirming the room number before he entered the building, it was still rather early so the lobby wasn’t very busy.

He made a beeline for the elevator and got inside, pressing the button for the fourth floor. Mikado could feel his heart beating in his throat, his blood rushing in his ears as the floors rolled past. His entire body was shaking with nervous excitement.

The elevator chiming making the teen shake harder as he walked onto the fourth floor and towards Izaya’s room. He knew that Izaya was no longer the man he knew, the informant had gone through a lot, he was physically weak and in a wheelchair so he braced himself as he walked.

He could barely breathe when he reached Izaya’s room. He stared at the door for what seemed like forever before knocking quietly and opening the door like Izaya had instructed him to do. He gulped and took off his shoes, sliding into a pair of slippers before he walked into the hotel room.

Time seemed to stop as blue eyes met red ones.

The couple immediately met eyes and hundreds of emotions flowed through them both. Izaya looked different, despite the metal wheelchair he was sitting in, he was a lot skinnier and looked weaker in general. But it didn’t make Mikado hesitate as he dropped his suitcase and rushed towards the older man with tears streaming down his face.

Mikado dropped to his knees in front of the informant, hugging his waist tightly with his head on the other man’s lap. “Izaya…Izaya…!” Mikado sobbed uncontrollably. Izaya, who was also crying stroked the teen’s hair.

“Mikado…” he murmured, “let me look at you, my love.” Izaya touched the teen face with shaky hands and lifted his chin so he could properly look at the bubbling teen’s face.

“My precious Mikado…I missed you so much.” Izaya murmured thickly through the tears that trailed down his pale face. Mikado reached up to touch Izaya’s face tracing the familiar features gently.

“I…missed you so much.” the teen sniffed, his eyes burning, “I thought about you every day.”

“Mhm, me too. Mikado…I love you, I love you more than I have the words to express.” Izaya said, his eyes shining with complete and utter devotion. Mikado swallowed thickly and smiled through his tears.

“I love you too Izaya, more than anything in this world.” Mikado was the one to move to bring their lips together. The taste was familiar, the feeling of Izaya’s lips was so comforting as they kissed passionately but gently, wanting to express their love. Mikado pulled back a bit breathless and Izaya was no different.

Mikado rest his forehead on Izaya’s and looked into the man’s eyes.  “I can’t believe you’re really here…it’s like a dream come true.” Izaya whispered raising a shaky head to cup Mikado’s cheek gently, Mikado carefully pressed his hand into his lover’s hands.

“I know…to have you with me…to touch you…I haven’t been this happy for a long time.” Mikado whispered sniffing as his tears began to run dry. “I just…missed you so much…” the teen sobbed and Izaya held him close.

It was confronting to see Izaya in a wheelchair, to see him so feeble and weak but the emotion of seeing him alive and well, in fact, seeing him at all was enough to completely overshadow the sadness Mikado felt for his lover’s condition.

He just wanted to hold Izaya close and never let him go.

“Thank you Mikado…thank you so much for coming.” Izaya murmured, burying his face in the teen’s shoulder and wrapping his arms around the younger male. “I was so afraid that you wouldn’t come and I know I probably deserve to be miserable and alone, but I couldn’t bear with the thought of never asking you,” Izaya said quietly and the teen tightened his hold of the wheelchair-bound male.

“Of course I came, I love you more than anything in this world Izaya. I’ve always known you had flaws, we both do. We’re no better than each other remember?” Mikado gave the man a small smile. “We had it rough but I truly believe that we have what it takes to make this love work, Izaya.” Mikado pulled back slightly so he could cup the man’s cheeks and look at him in the eye.

“I love you and I want to be with you even if it’s hard, even if you’re different – I don’t care. I know we can make this work out, I know we can be happy Izaya, that’s why I came here.” Mikado gently cupped the older man’s face ignoring the wetness of Izaya’s tears as they dripped down his cheeks.

“Because I know we belong together Izaya.” Mikado smiled looking into the man’s eyes.

“Mikado…” Izaya sniffed his eyes brimming with tears. “Thank you…thank you…thank you…” he mumbled over and over again. But the teen said nothing, he only held Izaya close as the man he’d once seen as invincible broke down. Izaya wasn’t apologising to Mikado, not really, he was apologising for everything he’d ever done to everyone and that wasn’t something Mikado could offer him forgiveness for, he couldn’t.

“It’s alright Izaya, you’re not alone anymore, I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.” Mikado comforted the man trying to calm him down. Izaya nodded shakily taking a few deep breaths.

“I really love you, Mikado…more than anything...if you didn’t come…I…I surely would have gone insane.” Izaya murmured, “I know I deserve to suffer, I don’t deserve to have you here beside me but I’m so happy…so happy you’re here.” Izaya’s voice broke slightly and Mikado held him tighter.

“No one deserves to suffer Izaya…You need to repent.” He pulled back to look at his lover in the eyes. “This is a fresh start Izaya, repent for your previous actions and help people. Let’s start again and let’s do this right this time, okay?” the teen smiled tenderly.

Izaya’s wide eyes searched Mikado’s before the man smiled. “Yeah…you’re right. Let’s start over…I’ll repent…we can move far away and never have worry about Ikebukuro again, the gangs, the v-violence – everything, let’s leave it behind.” Izaya stuttered slightly but Mikado just smiled.

“Yeah…Let’s start over Izaya…I love you.” Mikado leaned in and Izaya tilted his head up.

“I love you too…” their lips met in a soft, loving kiss that lasted a few minutes before they pulled back and smiles on their faces.

There was a warmth in Mikado’s chest that he hadn’t felt in a long time and he knew despite whatever difficulties they’d run into, no matter what happened – he’d made the right choice.

His life was finally starting again.

No, their life.

Their new beginning.

 


	8. Epilogue - To Love and Cherish Forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Despite the lives they once lived, they're happy together.

-  _ **The day of Mikado's disappearance**_ _**-**_ _**Ikebukuro, Japan.**_ -

 

"I don't understand what the hell this message is!" Masaomi Kida's angry voice rang through the apartment, the people gathered there looked at him sombrely.

They had all received the same message from Ryugamine Mikado, upon waking up a goodbye message was waiting. Several people such as Masaomi, Anri, Celty and the van crew had gone to the teen's apartment only to find it completely empty with nothing left inside.

"Masaomi, calm down." Saki touched her boyfriend's arm gently and the fake blond seemed to deflate a little.

"I don't understand why he would just leave like that…" Anri murmured sadly from where she sat next to Erika, she looked close to tears. "Without even saying goodbye in person…"

"I can't believe Senpai left Ikebukuro…" Aoba sat with the Orihara twins looking miserable than ever before. "I just started talking to him again." He muttered, hanging his head in despair.

Everyone in the room was sad and confused on why the blue-eyed teen would just up and leave so suddenly. "Maybe someone made him say that…maybe he's actually in danger." Masaomi clenched his fists and Kyohei shook his head.

"I doubt it, I thought he was acting weird at the party the other day…he's probably been planning it for a while."

I just don't understand how he could just leave after everything!" Masaomi practically shouted and Celty sighed.

 **[He'd been through a lot, his message said he wanted to leave it all behind and start over.]** Celty said sadly,  **[But I think he could have started over here with all of us.]**

"That's true! Mika-pon has all of us that care about him!" Erika exclaimed, "We could have helped him."

"He belongs here, surrounded by his friends and people that care about him." Masaomi gritted his teeth taking out his phone to once again try and ring his best friend but he only received the automated messaged " _This number you are trying to call is unavailable…"_ the blond hung up the phone with a huff.

The group argued and talking for some time but one of them just sat there with a slight smile on his face. Shinra had realised something that no one else seemed to, perhaps because he knew more than the others.

Celty caught glimpse of her fiancé's expression and turned to him.  **[Shinra? Why are you smiling!?]** her smoke spilling from her neck in a way that caught the attention of everyone else in the room.

"Because I think I know why he left," Shinra confessed, his voice surprisingly happy.

"What!? Why? How could you possibly know that?" Masaomi snapped and Shinra pushed up his glasses.

"I'm seriously surprised none of you noticed but in that message, he says 'we' and 'our' which means that he's not alone," Shinra explained which made a lot of people open their phones to double check the message.

"You're right, it does say that." Kyohei realised with wide eyes and the underground doctor nodded.

"It also says 'I'm needed elsewhere' which means the person he's probably now with needs his help," Shinra said with a smile. Masaomi shook his head,

"They could just be typos I mean, everyone is here." The blond gestured around the room. "And Mikado probably just meant he could be needed elsewhere in general."

"No…wait…there's one person…" Kyohei realised looking at Shinra with wide eyes and the underground doctor nodded.

"I have a feeling he's gone to Izaya-kun."' Shinra revealed, completely serious. There was a moment of silence before the room irrupted in chaos.

"WHAT!? WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU THINK THAT!?" Masaomi shouted outraged.

"Exactly! What reason would he have to leave us to be with that horrid man!" Anri exclaimed.

"That asshole is dead! There's no way he's alive and senpai wouldn't leave for him! Never!" Aoba yelled standing up to voice his outrage despite the fact he had been sitting next to the Orihara twins who looked slightly upset over the comments about their brother.

"Izaya-kun being alive is the only reason why Ryugamine-kun would leave." Shinra insisted. "It makes the most sense." Masaomi shook with what looked like rage and ducked his head.

"That asshole…why can't just leave Mikado alone…after everything he did…" the blond's voice broke at the end. "What he did to Mikado…" Masaomi's entire body shook as he clenched his fists. "...was unforgivable…"

"What do you mean? What did he do?" Erika asked confused, looking between the blond and the underground doctor. Masaomi shook his head and Kyohei crossed his arms.

"He…he with Mikado…he…" Masaomi shook with rage while everyone but two people looked at him in confusion.

"Everything they did was always consensual and without malice." Shinra pointed out nonchalantly which once again made the room erupt in chaos.

"ARE YOU SUGGESTING WHAT I THINK YOU ARE!?" Aoba all but screamed in disbelief.

"They were dating…" Kyohei interrupted everyone's chatter and the room went silent.

"From what I know, they were talking online for years before they met in person," Shinra told the group. "And when they met in person, it all clicked and they started dating." The underground doctor pushed up his glasses.

"That can't be true…" Anri deflated miserably and Erika hugged her. A murmur of disbelief went through the room.

"It wasn't always a functional relationship and they had more than a fair share of problems but they truly loved one another," Shinra said seriously. "I'd never seen Izaya so invested in someone before."

"If they were dating then why would Orihara-san leave Mika-pon behind?" Erika demanded and Shinra shrugged. "He probably didn't have a choice. I'm sure he didn't want to but if his condition was as bad as Celty said then if Izaya-kun had stopped to get Mikado, he probably would have died for sure." The underground doctor explained to the group occupying his apartment.

"Bullshit! There's no way Mikado would have agreed to be with that psychopath!" Masaomi snarled, "He was tricked into it!"

"That's not true." Kyohei shook his head. "I always saw them together to the point where I thought Orihara-san was up to no good too but Ryugamine-kun swore he wasn't and confessed to me that they were dating. He begged me to keep it a secret though." The man admitted, "That was like two years ago now."

"What!?" Aoba looked at the man with wide eyes. "That…" suddenly a lot of things made sense to the teen.

"There's no doubt in my mind that Ryugamine-kun left to go be with Izaya-kun again." Shinra shrugged.

"But…why…it's been over a year." Anri murmured obvious upset and Shinra shrugged.

"Maybe Izaya-kun thought it was too dangerous or he was still recovering, I don't know." The underground doctor pushed up his glasses and shrugged once again.

"At any rate, where ever they are…they're probably happy to be with one another." Shinra smiled.

The rest of the group grumbled, even if the couple were happy – they definitely weren't. 

* * *

 

**_\- Two years later – Hawaii, America. -_ **

 

"Okay, there you go!" Mikado said cheerfully as he put Izaya down on the beach chair shielded by an umbrella on a stunning Hawaiian beach resort.

"Here Mikado-nii, Izaya-nii! I brought the cooler." A young boy with brown hair beamed, setting down a cooler full of food and drinks.

"Thank you Haruto, you didn't have to carry that. It must have been heavy." Izaya smiled at the boy who smiled brightly at him.

"I know but I wanted too! Can I go play now?" Haruto looked eagerly towards the water and the other children playing in the sand.

"Do you put on your sunscreen properly?" Mikado asked, pushing up his glasses with a concerned expression.

"Yes, you helped me remember!" the young boy pouted impatiently and Izaya chuckled watching the two of them.

"Okay." Mikado passed the eight-year-old a hat with a big smile. "Go ahead." Haruto took off running. "Make sure you stay between the flags Haruto!" Mikado yelled after him.

"Hai~!" Mikado shook his head with an amused smile before turning to the ten-year-old gloomy looking girl who was standing silently behind him.

"Do you want to go play too Himari-chan?" He asked her with a kind smile. The girl regarded him coldly before grabbing her hat from the bag beside the umbrella and stalking off in the same direction at Haruto had gone.

"Ah…" the couple watched her go with nervous smiles. Mikado sighed and sat on the same lounge chair as Izaya.

"It's only normal that she'd hate us…after what I did to her parents." Izaya sighed regretfully and Mikado shook his head.

"It's not your fault Izaya, I've said time and time again, you couldn't have known it would happen. It's only been a few months since they've been in our care, it will take time for them to get over what happened and grow accustomed to us." Mikado took the older man's hand comfortingly.

"Yeah…I know…" Izaya sighed, relaxing into the chair. Mikado smiled at him before focusing on the rings on their fingers.

"Having kids kind of put a damper on our honeymoon though didn't it?" he chuckled kissing Izaya's wedding ring. Izaya smirked,

"I don't know about that~" he teased playfully. "You get pretty wild once they're asleep my beloved husband~."

Mikado blushed and pushed up his glasses as he averted his gaze. "A-as if I'm the only one." He stuttered embarrassed and Izaya laughed happily.

"You're adorable." The man leaned forward gave Mikado a peck on the lips that made the younger man turn bright red.

"I-Izaya!" Mikado stuttered flustered. "There are children around!"

"I don't care, we're a married couple so we can kiss all we want." Izaya chuckled. Mikado shook his head and turned his gaze to the two children playing near the water's edge, well, Haruto was playing while Himari stood there and watched.

"Who knew…us, of all people, married with kids…" Mikado sighed happily, leaning against his husband.

"Yeah…" Izaya smiled as Mikado rest his head on the older man's shoulder. "We always chased the extraordinary. Now we're living normal lives and I'm happier than I've ever been before." The man murmured tenderly and Mikado smiled.

"Yeah me too." Mikado turned to face Izaya, looking into his red eyes. "Running away with you was the best thing I ever did…I love you Izaya." He murmured happily.

Izaya smiled tenderly in a way that made Mikado's heart melt. "Mhm, I love you too Mikado." They met for a sweet and tender kiss that was filled to the brim with love.

They'd been through a lot in their lives despite neither of them even being even thirty yet but now, despite all the mistakes they'd made and all the terrible things they'd done and witnessed – they were finally able to be truly happy, to live and love properly…until death did them part.

**\- THE END. -**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading!  
> Double thank you to those who left comments and kudos!

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the song "Nothing to Lose but You." by Three Days Grace.  
> (Came up with the idea listening to it. The story also contains some lyrics.)


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